five stages

Thursday, November 13, 2008 my first class was at eight in the morning. My teacher spoke concerning palliative care, which is about death and dying. Even though it was an early morning I was more prepared for the topic than on Monday. He told us of the five stages of death and dying. He wrote them down on the board as a visual aide. So the channel would be the written words on the white board, as well him verbally telling us. Kubler Ross came up with the five stages: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance.

I can totally relate this to when my father was first diagnosed with lung cancer on September 11, of 2006. Not only does the person with the terminal illness but the family and friends go through these five stages. I went through these stages. I recognized them in my father as well. I don’t see the denial stage as bad. Dad was doing so well when he was fighting. He had a chest tube in and we would walk up and down the halls for his exercise. One time he thought it would drain faster, if he would put him self in this push up feet in the air positions. His denial and anger stages over lapped; he was not willing to let the cancer take over him. Treatment was in full swing. We were believing and praying for healing.

I know Dad started getting extremely interested in nursing. He had shared it with me that he might want to study it through distance Ed. I think that is when his bargaining stage came into play. Ill contribute to society in the health care field as a nurse. I know I bargained with God. My channel was prayer, lord Ill be a better person, please save my dad. They tried everything for my Dad. The chemo and radiation had failed. Medication called Tarceva was keeping his cancer at bay. It wasn’t growing put it wasn’t shrinking. The cancer was all through out my Dad’s body, the pain was unspeakable. Looking at him, you just knew. He was on t3’s but often that wasn’t enough. Dad got very quite. His personality seemed dulled from many months of fighting this physical illness. When and if he wasn’t sleeping he would watch sports. I would call him and visit him. I would be persistent with communication with him. I would talk and talk, I knew he was interested, even if he didn’t say much. I brought him food. I would also give my Dad a shave. The physical contact he would really enjoy because hugs were painful. (To this day I really enjoy shaving men in my role as HCA.) I wanted to show him verbally and nonverbally that he was loved.

My father had begun to accept that he wouldn’t be healed. A side affect from cancer would take his life. I still prayed intently for my father. Lord heal him, take away his pain, don’t let him suffer. Deep down I know I had accepted it too. I wish I didn’t. If everyone that was praying, in there heart accepted he would not come out of it cancer free, how could he be healed? Through out class I kept thing about my dad in relation to these five stages. I really was planning to journal about other stuff also. But I guess this is what was heavy on my heart.